


i miss your small hands in the palm of mine

by theoretically



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: And Adam Parrish Loves Him Back, College, Complete, M/M, Post-Canon, Pynch Week, Ronan Lynch Loves Adam Parrish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-31
Updated: 2017-07-31
Packaged: 2018-12-08 04:37:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11639055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theoretically/pseuds/theoretically
Summary: Adam is away at college, and while Ronan is incredibly proud of him, he can't help but miss him. Ronan had gotten far too used to falling asleep next to him and now that he's gone, Ronan finds himself sleepless far more often.





	i miss your small hands in the palm of mine

**Author's Note:**

> this was written for pynch week '17!!  
> prompt: “Am I dreaming?” // “What are you doing here?” // “Dance with me”  
> title from small hands by keaton hanson

Ronan hadn’t been sleeping well. Technically he hadn’t been sleeping well since his father was killed. The jarring sight of his father's bloodied head bashed in, in the driveway of his own home had opened the floodgates for all the nasty creatures from the darkest corners of his mind to creep into the front of his brain whenever he closed his eyes. He was used to sleepless nights spent battling fatigue in order to avoid his nightmares. Nights spent tearing around Henrietta’s quiet streets, or blasting EDM in his ears to loud his thoughts couldn’t even move in straight lines. During his days at Aglionby, he had perfected the art of not sleeping. Instead learning to dream with intent. 

It was early October, the trees painted in flaming orange, red, and yellow. The breeze that rustled through their branches was cool and crisp, pulling along the promise of an early winter. The sun had set hours ago, but Ronan stayed outside, lying in the field across from the farm house. He’d needed to get out. It was too big, too empty, too quiet. The stillness of it was smothering. The air tasted like loneliness, bitter and empty.

As he layed on his back, the grass tickling his neck and his bare arms, he tried to distract himself with the view above. Like most things at the Barns, the night sky had an especially mystical look to it. The navy of the sky was vibrant in its utter darkness, juxtaposing the brilliant stars sugared across it. He tried to think back to all the constellations that Adam had showed him. He could pick out a few. Andromeda, Scorpius, Orion, the Big and Little Dipper. He tried to remember their stories, but he, admittedly, hadn’t been paying attention while Adam and explained them. Ronan had been distracted, trying to memorize the movement of the junction in Adams jaw as he spoke and trying to find his own constellations among the many light freckles that fell across Adam’s fine nose and severe cheekbones. 

After a while of laying in the grass and trying not to pay attention to the gaping hole that opened in between his ribs at the thought of Adam, he dragged himself back onto his feet. He’d decided hours ago that he wouldn't be going back into that house until the sun was up. Without really thinking he walked over to the porch and pulled his car keys out of the pocket of his leather jacket, which he had left draped over the railing earlier that day. 

Soon enough he was roaring down the country back roads of Henrietta, trying to enjoy the spike of adrenaline and the feeling of the car rumbling beneath him. He tried not to think about the real reason he hadn’t been sleeping well. 

Adam fucking Parrish.

Not thinking about Adam was like trying not to think about oxygen while being forcibly held underwater. It had been a good month since he’d last seen Adam in person, and he felt the ache of each mile wearing on him with every passing day. They talked on the phone almost everyday, and they would Skype every night (Ronan would pretend it was for Opal’s sake, insisting that she wouldn’t go to sleep until Adam told her goodnight), but it wasn't enough. He wanted to run his fingers through Adam’s unruly hair, he wanted to kiss him deep enough to drown them both, he wanted to feel the weight of Adam's head resting against his chest as he fell asleep, he wanted he feel his warm skin beneath his hands. He wanted all of him, all he time. 

Ronan knew that it was selfish. He knew that Adam was doing what he’d spent so long dreaming about, what he’d worked so hard for, what he deserved, and Ronan was so happy for him. But he still missed him dearly. The incessant missing was familiar but raw. He’d gotten too comfortable with the feeling of falling asleep and waking up with Adam, and now that he was gone, Ronan felt the absence more than he cared to admit. He forgot how to sleep without the sound of Adam’s steady breathing against his ear, without the gentle flutter of his eyelashes against his neck, without his arms wrapped around his waist. 

Adam was most of the reason that Ronan found himself zipping through the gaps between the streetlights at one in the morning on a Tuesday, but it was also because Opal had been spending the night at Foxway. She’d begged so insistently that Ronan had let her go. Apparently Calla had promised to show her how to mix cocktails, and after Ronan insured that there wouldn’t be any actual alcohol in them, he didn't have any legitimate reason not to let her go. The lack of Opal’s loud and persistent presence, only amplified Adam’s absence and therefor the pain in Ronan’s chest. 

He clenched his jaw and gripped the steering wheel tighter. He knew that Opal missed Adam too. She didn’t really understand the concept of college, although Adam had tried many times to explain it to her, but she could gather enough to know that Adam was away but happy. Most importantly, she knew that he would come back. She’d made him pinky promise before he’d left in September, and that had been enough to convince her. Ronan’s worries, however, weren’t so easily put to rest. 

The nagging thoughts of Adam not coming back pinched at his brain constantly. He knew it was silly and pointless to worry. If Adam truly didn’t ever want to come back, than Ronan would have to find it in him to understand. All he ever wanted was for Adam to be happy and live the life he deserved, and if Adam didn’t want Ronan to be apart of that, then it would be fine. Even as he thought that, he knew it was a lie. He wouldn’t be fine. But he also owed it to Adam to simply trust him. Adam said he would come back, he said he loved him, he said he wanted to spend his future with him, and Ronan would have to learn to believe that.

Perhaps it was because he’d spent so long loving Adam, and thinking that he could never have him. Wanting him so badly but thinking he would never be allowed that. Now that he had what he had wanted and craved and carefully concealed his love for for so long, he found it a little hard to fathom. Like one day Adam would wake up and realize that he could do better than high school drop out who never wanted to leave his home town. It was unfair of him to assume the worst of Adam, especially when he knew just how deep the good in him ran, but years of self loathing weren't easy to shake. 

The countryside whipped by so fast that Ronan barely even registered that he’d left Virginia. That certainly hadn’t been his intention when he’d gotten in his car, but here he was, being subconsciously drawn to Adam. Once he realized that he’d crossed the state line and was only four hours away from Adam, the hole in his chest intensified tenfold. He was already halfway there, why turn around now. He knew that Adam had class in a few hours but Ronan didn’t care. If he could only see him for five minutes, he would be satisfied. He was desperate to know that their time together hadn't just been a dream. 

Hours later, he pulled into the parking lot next to Adam’s dormitory at Columbia. He idled for a moment, the ache in his chest stronger than ever, before pulling the key out of the ignition and swinging the door open. He slammed the door shut, and then again out of anticipation. It was six in the morning, and the campus was quiet and still. He knew that Adam didn’t have class until eleven today, but knew he’d be up much earlier. 

As excited as he was to finally see Adam again, he didn’t have it in him to march up to his dorm room and wake him. He knew full well that even though Adam didn’t have to work three jobs anymore, having gotten a full ride, he still worked himself to exhaustion on the regular. He only had two gears, maximum effort and sleep. 

He sat down on the top step of the stairs leading up to the entrance. He was dressed in his usual attire of black jeans and a black tank top. The early morning October breeze bite at his bare arms, and Ronan let it. For just a moment he let himself worry that he was bothering Adam by coming, but quickly shoved that thought aside. He knew that being away was hard on Adam too. 

He watched as the sun came up and set the campus aglow in soft golden light. After about an hour people started waking up and the campus started to come to life. Some students with backpacks slung over their shoulder and a coffee in hand on their way to class, others still in their pajamas heading down towards the mess hall. It wasn’t long before the door behind him swung open and bits of groggy conversation fell into the cool air. Ronan stood and turned. A smile spreading across his face without his consent. There was Adam, dressed in plain jeans and a light green hoodie, his hair an absolute disgrace. He was beautiful.

Adam noticed him at the same time his friends did, their eyes peaked with curiosity. Adam’s mouth fell open for a moment. His eyes raked up and down Ronan’s body a couple of times before he took a step toward him. 

“Ronan?” His voice was airy with disbelief, or maybe it was relief, quite possibly both. 

“Nice hair, loser.” He’d meant for it to come out snarky, but even he could hear the affection dripping from each syllable. 

Ronan barely had to time to register Adam moving before his arms were wrapped tightly around him and his face buried into the crook of his neck. Without a second of hesitation Ronan responded, pulling Adam impossibly closer. One of his arms holding him at the waist, the other coming to rest in his messy locks, his face pressing into Adam's head. They stayed that way for a moment, just holding each other and Ronan felt the hole in chest begin to close over. After a prolonged moment, Adam pulled back, his hands coming up to cup Ronan’s cheeks, a wide smile splitting across his beautiful face. 

“What are you doing here?” Adam said with a slight shake of his head, as if trying to clear it. As if Ronan was a mirage and would fade into nothing. 

“I came to see you, you fucking nerd.” He mumbled, their lips a breath apart. 

And that was all it took for Adam to lean in and close the small distance between them. Kissing Adam Parrish felt like coming home after being gone for so long. It filled him up with warmth and comfort and love and a distinct feeling of rightness. The kiss was soft and so gentle it made Ronan’s heart clench, but beneath the sweetness there was an underlying note of longing and something close to sadness but not quite. 

When they pulled apart, they were still pressed flush against one another and Ronan could feel Adam’s heart beating through his hoodie. He let himself get lost in Adam's wide cornflower blue eyes, their foreheads touching. Adam’s arms were encircled around his neck, his palm resting at the base of Ronan's skull. When he exhaled, he breath fanned across Ronan’s face. 

“I missed you so much.” Adam said it like he’d had the words lines up for weeks. It struck Ronan suddenly that perhaps Adam had been just as lonely as him. 

“I missed you too.” Ronan whispered.

It was then that Ronan remembered that they weren’t alone. His eyes shifted slightly over and looked passed Adam to the two people still awkwardly standing in the doorway. They averted their eyes as if to give them privacy. Adam seemed to notice Ronan’s attention shift and turned to face the other two, a blush creeping onto his cheeks. Ronan smirked. 

“Uh… This is Ronan.” He said lamely, shifting uncomfortably. 

Recognition flashed behind their eyes, which pleased Ronan far more than it should have. He had to suppress a smile at the thought of Adam talking about him to his college friends. He took a moment to take the pair in. Ronan recognized the boy to be Adam’s roommate. They had spoken briefly when Ronan had dropped him off at the beginning of the semester, but he hadn’t really payed him much mind. He was entirely focused on the terrifying prospect of having to say goodbye to Adam and hadn’t even bothered to ask him his name. 

Now Ronan looked a bit closer. He was tall with olive skin and a stocky build. His dark hair was curled but tame and his eyes reminded him of Gansey, curious and gentle. He had learned through many phone calls from Adam since then, that his name was Marco. Adam said that he was nice albeit a bit talkative, but they had the same major so they were in many of the same courses and therefor had become friends pretty quickly. 

“Good to see you, Ronan.” He had the same diplomatic voice as Gansey, although Marco’s carried an accent Ronan couldn’t quite place. Ronan gave a curt nod in response.

“This is Ella.” Adam gestured to the girl at Marco’s side. A vague memory of Adam mentioning that name surfaced. He thought she might have been Marco’s girlfriend, but he couldn’t really remember.

“It lovely to meet you.” She extended her hand to him. Not wanting to come across too rude, he accepted it. 

Her hand was warm and soft, but her handshake was firm. She had fiery red hair pulled back into a tight ponytail and eyes as green as grass. She was dressed like a librarian, a pencil skirt, knee high socks and penny loafers. Ronan had to force his lip not to curl, but her smile was sincere with a hint of shyness, so Ronan forgave her for her wardrobe.

“Adam talks about you a lot.” She said casting a playful quirk of brow in Adam’s direction. He blushed an even deeper shade of pink. Ronan smirked. 

“Nothing good, I hope.” 

“Don’t worry, Lynch, only the worst.” Adam said rolling his eyes.

“Well, we’re going to head to breakfast.” Marco said and grabbed Ella’s hand. “Ronan, you are more than welcome to join us, but you probably have some other thing you’d rather be doing.” He grinned cheekily at Adam who buried his face in his hands. Ella giggled and the pair walked down the steps and toward the mess hall, not even bothering to turn around and see if they were following. 

Ronan turned back to Adam who had removed his hands from his face and was staring at him intensely. Ronan pulled him in for another kiss, this one a little less soft. After a minute or two, the door swung open again and a few more students filed out. One of them whistled and Ronan could feel his ears burning in spite of himself. 

“Come on,” Adam said, pulling at Ronan’s hand and entwining their fingers. “Marco has class until ten.”

They walked up the three flights of stairs up to Adam’s room with their hands still linked together, and dopey smiles plastered on both of their faces. 

As soon as the door shut behind them, Adam pressed him against it. His hands resting on Ronan’s shoulders and rubbing along his shaved head. Ronan let his hands rest at Adams sides, memorizing the rises and ridges of his ribs. He felt dizzy with happiness, so overjoyed to just hold this boy, to have this boy hold him. 

As the kiss began to deepen Adam pulled him over to his tiny twin bed pressed against the wall. He pushed him down onto the mattress without ever breaking the kiss and climbed on top of him, straddling Ronan’s hips. Hands roamed under shirts and lips pressed to necks. Eventually they pulled apart to breathe, still staring into each others eyes and grinning senselessly. 

The early morning sunlight filtered in through the thin dorm room curtains, casting Adam's face in playful shadows and gold. His freckles were less pronounced than they had been during their summer at the Barns, having spent a majority of their time running around outside tending to the farm and entertaining Opal. Ronan was pleased to note that his cheeks weren’t as gaunt as they used to be, having filled out slightly, now that he had a meal plan that ensured he could eat three times a day. Ronan was also struck by the easy way in which Adam smiled, like it didn’t cost him anything. In their Aglionby days, all of his smiles were hard fought. Ronan would spend a lot of energy making a fool of himself just to see Adam Parrish smile. 

After a bit more kissing, the two boys ended up curled together on Adam’s bed. Adam’s head rested on Ronan’s shoulder, one arm wrapped around his waist, their legs entangled. Partially out of necessity because it wasn't made to comfortably fit two, but also because they had missed one another. With every beat of Adam’s heart, the hole in Ronan’s chest filled up with light. 

He let himself unwind all the tension that had been building in his heart since the last time he’d seen Adam. He let himself succumb to the utter bliss of feeling the weight of Adam’s body pressed to his, to feel his presence in every nerve ending in his body. And finally, wrapped up in Adam Parrish, Ronan let himself sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading i hope you enjoyed!! sorry if the ending seemed a bit disjointed, i just couldn't for the life of me figure out how i wanted to tie it up so i'm not totally satisfied with it but oh well. also i have no idea what the actual distance between henrietta and columbia is, seeing as henrietta does not actually exist and i'm not american so i'm sorry if there were any inconsistencies there. please let me know your thoughts!!


End file.
